There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Duplos will not.
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
Your fire department in has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't flush!"
No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'"
You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof>
Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater."
Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
Never light fireworks inside.
Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.
Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.
Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good.
Bugs are not a dietary supplement.
Walnuts make the blender act funny.
Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.
Collecting things is good.
Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
Eating string is a bad hobby.
Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.
Finger painting is good.
Finger painting walls is dangerous.
If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?"
It's too late!
If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands."
You don't want to know.
If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth."
You REALLY don't want to know!
'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence.
The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.
Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper
Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad.
Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?"
means 'prepare for bad news'
Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.
Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea.
Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt.
Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.
Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.
"Why do fish float?" means trouble.
Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..."
is never a good sign.
Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood.
Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.
Cats get even.