The Difference Between Liberals And Conservatives
Conservatives believe in God.
Liberals think they are God.
Conservatives want to engrave the Ten Commandments on every doorpost in the country.
Liberals want to tape the Bill of Rights over the Ten Commandments in every Bible on the planet.
Conservatives think that gay marriage will turn the world into one huge gay orgy.
Liberals think that this is a free country, that people should have the right to marry whomever they want, and that if we ban gay marriage, we might as well change our name to Iran.
Conservatives own dogs and watch "Cops."
Liberals own cats and watch "Cats."
Conservatives shoot first and ask questions later.
Liberals ask questions first and then blame conservatives for everything.
Conservatives think that people solve problems, and governments create them.
Liberals think that governments solve problems, and conservatives create them.
Conservatives yell, “Mine, mine, mine!”
Liberals like to whine, whine, whine.
A conservative looks at someone and thinks, “How can I profit off of him?”
A liberal looks at someone and thinks, “How can I convince him he’s wrong?”
Conservatives think people tend to be more productive when being productive makes them more money.
Liberals think conservatives will rape each other when presented with the opportunity to make more money.
Conservatives think that having the government handle money is like having a blind man handle your hernia surgery.
Liberals think that having a free economy handle money is like having Willie Nelson guard your marijuana stash.
Conservatives will tell you that every man has his price.
Liberals would rather tell you that every man has his rice.
Conservatives want to say farewell to welfare.
Liberals want to say farewell to capitalism.
Conservatives think that schools should compete for business.
Liberals think that schools should teach people not to become conservatives.
Liberals think that the government should provide free health care.
Conservatives think that free health care will be worth exactly what people pay for it.
Liberals think conservatives are a bunch of deluded, money loving dickheads who would gladly trade the sun for a jar of mayonnaise.
Conservative think liberals are a bunch of deluded, tree hugging sissies who don’t realize that we need to cut down a few trees in order to build a house.
Liberals think that global warming is caused by conservatives.
Conservatives think that global warming doesn’t exist, or that if it does exist, it’s caused by the burps of degenerate liberal drunks like the Kennedys.
Liberals buy tofu and drive hybrids.
Conservatives buy Hummers and drive up the price of oil.
Liberals think that guns kill people.
Conservatives think that guns not only don’t kill people, they actually save people — as long as we each have at least fifteen of them.
Liberals think the UN spreads peace.
Conservatives think UN stands for Unbelievably Naïve.
Liberals want the US to withdraw from Iraq.
Conservatives want the US to attack France.
Liberals smoke marijuana and LSD.
Conservatives snort cocaine and more cocaine.
Liberals root for Fonzie and Chachi.
Conservatives root for Mr. Burns and Flanders.
Liberals think that humans evolved from bacteria.
Conservatives think that Darwin was a homo.
Liberals sing “We Are the World” and “We Shall Overcome.”
Conservatives sing “Achy Breaky Heart” and “I Wish I Was in Dixie.”
Liberals reenact the Civil War in order to learn about the nation’s history.
Conservatives reenact the Civil War in order to get ready for the rematch.