Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:
I'D LOVE TO BUT...
... I don't want to leave my comfort zone. ... I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. ... I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. ... I have to fluff my shower cap. ... I have to fulfill my potential. ... I left my body in my other clothes. ... I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. ... I'll be looking for a parking space. ... I'm being deported. ... I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. ... I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. ... I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. ... I'm sandblasting my oven. ... I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving. ... I'm worried about my vertical hold. ... I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. ... I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting. ... it's too close to the turn of the century. ... my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. ... my plot to take over the world is thickening. ... my subconscious says no. ... none of my socks match. ... the grunion are running. ... the last time I went, I never came back. ... the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.