Diary of a New Snow Shoveler
Decenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor
December 14th Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -
20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15th 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all..
December 16th Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel
Decenber 17th Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she's right. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're to busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying..
December 22nd Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23rd Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to
0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts?> Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24th 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25th Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her
December 26th Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27th Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28th Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29th 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30th The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9" predicted.
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
Januare 8th I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?????